Roxanne the Adorable African Grey

Roxanne the Adorable African Grey
Wouldn't you like to work for me?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

HO HO ho-hum .... Holly Daze??? POOP!


I have never seen such ineptitude! Well, yes I have, but really, is that any excuse? I have been full of myself for 2 weeks and not a single opportunity to post on my own plog.

WANTED: An Executive Assistant that will work for crumbs!

Is that too much to ask?

She's been making 'chop' (parrot veggie mix), cleaning cages, floors and bowls, making holiday greeting cards, ordering bird toy parts, doing laundry (and no, I do NOT accept any responsibility for her bad timing where poop is concerned), decorating for something called Holly Daze, and generally ignoring my creative needs.

I don't get this entire Holly Daze thing.  More work for HER, less time for ME.  As I see it, what's to celebrate?

WAIT A MINUTE!!  I spy bright colored plastic and wooden shapes, strips of leather, cotton twine sticking out of the just-opened UPS box.  WooHoo!!!

Maybe this SANDY CLAWZ guy I keep hearing about will come through again this year and show up with some rad toyz!


Sunday, December 4, 2011


Finally --- Divine Retribution!!

I am sunning myself in the courtyard, making phone calls, practicing my show tunes and rock numbers, generally being 'above the fray', and Cracker is having 'nappy time' in the bedroom.

Some days get better as they go along.

Now if RIP will stop making his 'space ship' noises, it will be a prefect afternoon!

Hostage Situation!!!

It is 7:45 am, and I am soooooooo over this morning routine!

When 'Cracker' (aka: Silvo the Umbrella Cockatoo -- see photos below of his 'Shower Sequence')  first came to live with us, I felt sorry for his silly butt.  Now?  Not so much.  In truth, I feel self-pity in great swells that match his screeches.

Here's the drill:

5:30 am:

(That would be Cracker's bad imitation of Joe's alarm clock reminding him to take his morning meds -- but since Joe is home from work now with his bad back, we don't need to wake him at 5:30. Does Cracker care?  No!  Does he care that I don't want to get up before the sun. NO!)

5:40 am:

(That would be Cracker's bad imitation of Joe's snooze alarm, which, we don't need either.)

Repeat above at 10 minute intervals until either your head explodes or 6:10 am comes and Cracker gets serious about his 'duties' as the family alarm clock.

6:10 am: squawk............squawk........  Squawk..............SQuawk....................SQUawk.............SQUAwk.............SQUAWk..............SQUAWK............................ SQUAAAAAAAAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREECH...SCREECH..SCREECH........SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!!!ad nauseam

By no later than 6:30 am, MY Executive Assistant is folding birdie cage covers, getting fresh water, making snacks, and in general, waiting on Cracker instead of doing MY bidding, which is what she is paid to do.


Even as I dictate, Cracker is on the couch beside My Assistant, hiding under an old table clothe he has adopted for his interminable 'peek-a-boo' sessions, while she tries to type, keep him from chewing the already-shredded couch cover, or from falling off the couch backwards.  This is what she must do every day of my life in order to keep the peace in the morning.  

HELP!  I'm being held hostage by a Cracker!!!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

It's a Dawg's Life

Don't get me wrong, dogs are fine (in their place), but that place is NOT in the bird cages of my parrot brothers, in the courtyard.

Confused?  Imagine how our neighbors much have felt this afternoon, when my bird-brained brothers had a barking contest.  Seriously, can't a gal sun herself in peace while practicing show tunes?  Not around this zoo.

I'm considering requesting private time outdoors.  These sibling issues are beginning to take their toll.  I've forgotten the intro to 'Singing in the Rain', one of my best tunes. And why dawgs, anyhow? My guess is they are too dumb to mimic catz.  And if I may say so, that's just sad.

I have to say, they do put an entirely new spine to the expression, 'Barking Mad'.

It's late, my Executive Assistant has 'a sleeping pill with her name on it' (that's a quote), and I have an early practice in mind.  I think a few rousing bars of my latest favorite, Smoke on the Water, should be payback enough for the Dawg fight.  What do you think??  "bomp bomp bomp, bomp bomp ba bomp, bomp bomp bomp, bomp-bomp----

(If you are too old to know what song I'm referring to, don't admit it -- hint --- my current fav color is 'Deep Purple' --wink.)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble!!

I mean really, if you don't believe turkeys are dumb, ask yourself this question: why in the world would you pick 'Gobble' as your signature call, when you end up being shot and gobbled up on holidays?  I'd try making a sound like a freight train, for crying out loud!

But seriously, we had chicken --- (speaking of dumb clucks---just sayin') and it was delish.  Of course, we are not allowed more than a beak-full of anything we really like.  Go figure.  And Freada actually says 'that's not good for the birdies' as she stuffs yet another Hershey's white-chocolate peppermint Kiss in her mouth.  What hypocrisy!  I suppose she is determined to keep us healthy or die trying.

I have been viewing YouTube videos of other parrots talking. I believe this is being forced on me as a means to get me to speak on command.  As if.  I don't think you will be seeing me on the internet saying, 'Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...' any time soon.  I have much too much dignity for that.

However, if anyone reading this plog can talk my Executive Assistant into giving me peanuts on demand, we can discuss 'options'.  I do not come free, but I do have my price.

Hope all my fans had a Happy Bird-day!!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Speaking for Parrots---

May I just vent?
Good help is hard to find.  Seriously, I am bubbling over with pithy repartee, and no assistant in sight.  I don’t mean to insinuate that my needs are neglected: on the contrary, I am well cared for physically; it’s my creative spirit that is malnourished, and merely for the lack of opposable thumbs.  I really must learn to hunt and peck on the keyboard. 
Enough about my tribulations---
I am ecstatic to relay the news that my brother RIP can finally call me by name!  Most of you would not recognize ‘Roxy’ when said by RIP, but I know it’s what he’s trying for. What a little trouper!
Silvio (aka: Cracker) is now saying ‘water’ – and since he talks like Elmo, you can imagine how it sounds. (roflmfo)  (Roll on floor, laugh my feathers off.)
I, on the other hand, refuse to simply ask for water or to acknowledge the receipt of same.  I would rather do sound effects.  When anyone needs or receives fresh water, I make the sound of an office water cooler gurgling.  It’s always good for laughs, which is great for diverting attention away from questionable behaviors. I admit it: I’m not perfect, but I am brilliant. That is why I take it upon myself to translate for my brothers, (as well, on occasion, for the family catz).  Speaking for parrots is much less annoying than having to listen to them squawking all day.  When all else fails, I chastise.  Some days I wonder who is in charge around here.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Cirque de Squirreleil

Bonjour, all you cirque fans out there.  I have been on an enforced sabbatical, due to the erratic schedule of my Executive Assistant.  But tonight, I drew the line.  After all, it isn't every day a squirrel capers over the palm fronds, drops into the frangipani, and skitters across the drain pipe, to the tune of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', (my latest dramatic, melodic interpretation).

How and why, you ask?  Only another rodent could say.  I am too far superior a species to even speculate, but on the way from the mailbox, the drama unfolded.  That squirrel was hell-bent on out-running us, and I was forbidden to fly in pursuit. Drat!  When I publish my memoirs and can hire more tractable aid, these problems will sort themselves out.  Until then, I am at the mercy of a human with 'issues'.

Sorry to plog and fly (so to speak) but there are only a few moments until it's "good night treat-zy time", (to quote my feather-brained Cockatoo brother, 'Cracker' aka Silvio) and I need to get in a few more bars of practice.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Brush up your Shakespeare

I am inspired by my Executive Assistant's readings of late.
She has been immersed in Macbeth. 
I am improving my vocabulary daily.  'Hark' is a new favorite, as is 'bodkin'. 

'To be, or not to be...'    
Good question for Cracker (aka: Silvio) at around 6 am when he first woke me today.

Methought I heard a parrot cry, “Sleep no more!
Silvio does murder sleep”—the innocent sleep,

(which explains why Silvio woke ME! After all, I never claimed to be innocent. 
One so well informed would be displaying false modesty to claim 'innocence'---nes pa?)

Sleep that zips up the frazzled feather of care,

Ah --- I wax poetic now when least expected!

This Shakespeare must have had a parrot.

Monday, September 26, 2011


I will be the first to give credit where credit is due.  My brother, Cracker (aka: Silvio) has been known to break me up on occasion.  It isn't that he's a brilliant linguist, or has a rapid-fire delivery.  His appeal is hard to explain. Let me give you one example: the other night it was bedtime. Cracker is less than calm at this time of night. Recently, the following scene played out for all the neighbors to hear---

Cracker:  Night-night treat-zy time!! YEA!!!!!
I want another one!  I want another one!  I want another one!!!
THERE IT IS ----- OH MY GOD!!! I want another one!!!

Me (Roxanne):  Haaaaaaaaaahahahahaha ----- GOOD NIGHT!!!!

OK - I'll admit it --- I have been easily amused lately.  I really need to get out more.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Late Night Conversation

Cracker: (aka Silvio the Umbrella Cockatoo) "Squawk..."
Freada: (aka My Executive Assistant) "Shhhhh..."
Cracker: "Squaawk..."
Freada: "SHhhhhhhhhhh..."
Cracker: "Squaaaaaaaaaaaawk!"
Cracker: "SQUAAAAAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Freada: "Shut the f**k up!!!"
Cracker: "o-k..."

Roxanne: "SHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!!"

Sunday, September 18, 2011

OHHHHHH Brother!!

I was barely settled in to my home, and had just begun the training process for my servants when another parrot came on the scene.  I’ll admit, he is one gorgeous little Amazon, all yellow-crested with amazing plumage, but honestly?  Dumb as a stump.
My main servant, Freada spent an inordinate amount of time researching Portuguese words, seeking a suitable name for him.  Poor little guy! He had been abandoned, and then caught up in a nasty divorce.  Servants can really pluck you up—if you follow me.
This naming process was arduous.  Finally hitting upon a word that meant “Golden Opportunity”, in reference to his amazing gold eyes, Freada chose ‘Propicio’.  Right----
What they didn’t know is this little guy was trying very hard to tell them his name.  So I was finally forced to pass the information on, just to keep some semblance of what was left of my sanity!
He kept saying, ‘rip---rip-----rip------‘ .
After a couple of days of this, I took the bird by the beak, so to speak.  I yelled back, “HEY-RIP!!!!"
He was so happy, he then began yelling “HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!!!
Be careful what you wish for.
Suffice it to say, his name in RIP.  He LOVES Freada, HATES Joe, which is the diametrical opposite of how I feel on any given day, so it’s a wash.
I have to say though, he smells sooooooooo good.  Reminds me of Jasmine and Gardenias and sexy music.  Did I just say that out loud?  RIP!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Manic Ride Home

I haven’t always led the privileged life I do today.  Not that I haven’t always deserved it – but realistically, I lost my youthful naiveté when my first servant decided to name me Elvis.  Young people just think they discovered ‘sexting’ (or is it sexing?).  At any rate, after the results of DNA tests, my gender was reassigned and I was given my true name, Roxanne.   I was hatched, and weaned from hand-feeding in South Florida – Native Floridian, and proud to be so. (Just don't call me Cracker -- than name has been assigned by me for my 'Too brother. See other posts for details.)

While with my first servant, I began my colorful and ever-expanding vocabulary, and the use thereof.  When she was no longer able to provide the care I demand, my new servants came along – gullible and inexperienced – just the way I like them.

A small truck was enlisted to transport my cage and play tree.  I allowed myself the safety of a small carrier with peep holes, ensconced in the front seat of a Firebird.  I thought, now we’re talking. Little did I know that thought was prophetic .

My driver/servant seemed unable to contain herself.  “Oh, Roxanne, I am so happy to have you...we are going to have so much fun and  I have new toys waiting for you and  I found some parrot training videos we can watch together and you can learn tricks and…. 

Oh  -  my  -  God.  Would this servant never stop talking?  When at last she took a breath, I gave my unvarnished opinion of her entire discourse with my favorite word at the time…


That shut her up. 

And I am proud to say I have astonished her on a daily basis ever sense.  
Admittedly, with some servants, that is not as amazing as it sounds.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

What's so funny?

I was trying to practice my music -- that's all. I have several tunes I'm working on and they require a lot of time and effort!  My favorite is the theme from 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'.  I also like the intro to 'Singing in the Rain'.  I love writing my own music as well --- sort of a Jazz-Swing-Salsa fusion.  I'm very versatile.

Anyhow, when I try to warm up and practice early in the morning, Cracker --- I mean 'Silvio', squawks like a murder of crows.  This morning I lost it ! (again)    I told him in no uncertain terms, 'Shut up, and shut up ALL DAY!'

Apparently SOME Executive Assistants (who shall remain nameless) think my outrage is amusing.

Humans -- can't live with 'em--- can't live without 'em.  Honestly, I still can't figure out why she was laughing hysterically.  Was it something I said???

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


That's right --- R-E-A-L-L-Y is now my new fav word!!

"Where has Roxy been?', you must be asking yourselves, with dismay.  Glad you asked.  It's a long, boring story involving my Executive Assistant, something she calls 'kids' and 'grand kids' and 'relocating', which I have some personal knowledge of.   But let's not bore ourselves!  Let's talk about ME!

Contrary to popular opinion, I do not lead a charmed life.  For example: I am so OVER my brother, Silvio!  There's a reason they call him a 'too'.  He acts like he's "2" years old - I mean, can a girl get a break?  This 'Umbrella' (for lack of a nicer word) Cockatoo is a raging loon.  Bed time??  He starts jumping around yelling "Good-night Treat-zy Time" at the top of his substantial voice.  He hangs upside-down, capers, scampers, screeches and squeaks. I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y!  When he has issues, should the entire world have to know?

Here's the corker --- he has started saying a new word (all by himself, because I certainly didn't teach him THIS one).  Let's see if you can guess.  He's Big, White, Loud, Dumb, Silly, and LUVs his 'Mommy'.

Did you guess?  It's CRACKER!!! roflmtfo   (Roll on floor - laugh my tail feathers out).  Sooooooooooo----  Now I can say to him, "HEY, CRACKER!" -- and he doesn't even know he's getting his feathers tweaked!!  Haaaaaaaahahahaha  R-E-A-L-L-Y?!?!?  (Next time, don't ask.)

Friday, August 19, 2011

"It's quarter to 3, there's no one in the place except you and me. So, set 'em up, Joe-----"  Ah, Sinatra!! I love Old Blue Eyes!  Also, Swing.  But really I am a Salsa girl to the bone. Just put on some Latin Tunes and watch my tail!!  Tomorrow I plan to start my memoirs.   You have not lived until you've walked a foot in my talons!

Roxy and Whizzbee Go Beak to Nose!! -- place ur betz

Good day, all you intellectuals out there. I hope you enjoy the photo collection my Executive Assistant put together of me besting my nemesis Whizzbee. He's' one of the catz around here (admittedly, not the smartest). I enjoy interacting with lower forms of life. It amuses me. Nothing like a camera-ready moment. I try my best to provide them as often as possible. I hope to have my own recorder soon, so I can do my own commentary and skip the middle person. Time for a snack and a movie. Squawk you later. Roxy

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

For all you Parrot-Loving Intellectuals Out There---

I am currently working on my personal rendition of the Clint Eastwood movie theme song: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly with an eye toward performance art.  I'm determined to take it to the next level.  My Executive Assistant, Freada must agree.  She has often described my efforts in what she refers to as decibels while saying I've now gone 'over the top'.

I'm also dictating my memoirs.  As soon as Freada evolves past this inconvenient 'opposable thumbs' stage we can really peck it out!  Mean time, Rock On!  and as we say in Psittacus erithacus  circles, Break a Beak!!

Monday, August 15, 2011


If you have not noticed the picture of ME and one of my catz, take a close look: the cat is Whizzbee.  I'm not saying he's of a lesser species however, you can determine that for yourself when you notice exactly where he chooses to sit on MY play-tree, and where the poop is pilling up.  (Yes, this is right before cleaning day, but we take great photo-ops where we can get them.)  btw -- to see a sequence of photos of my interaction with Whizzbee, scroll down to the bottom of the front page of my plog.

Welcome to my PLOG (Parrot Log)

Hey, all you fans out there.  I've decided to keep you informed of my lively intrigues from a Parrot's-Eye View. (Which is, let me tell you, more interesting than my owner's.)  I'll keep you up-to-date on all the latest happenings in my little corner of paradise.  Be watching.  You won't want to miss a thing.  I am articulate, verbose, and (to be perfectly honest) sometimes, racy.  But hey, I can't help it, I was born to fly!!